Reflections of week 1/11/16 – 1/17/16
• Living Brave Semester
• Dealing with others doubting my abilities
• Words that bring me joy
• Beautiful prayer
• Proactive steps towards future goals
• Oversharing Guilt
This was the first week of the Living Brave Semester with Brené Brown. There were some real struggles in there. I had to pair my values down to my top one or two, identify the arena to show up in for the course and give myself permission slips. I’ve taken Brené Brown courses before so these steps were familiar to me. I’m giving myself permissions to take my time with the course and complete it no matter what. I’m not sure of my arena yet but it could be to expand my social life and work on boundaries. The value that I picked is Authenticity because if I am being my authentic self, that encompasses my other values. My red flags that I am not living in line with Authenticity is that I get defensive, argumentative and mean. My biggest childhood wound is not having my voice heard and my feeling validated. I am now realizing that this didn’t just happen to me by others, but I never honored that voice within myself growing up. So now as an adult, when someone challenges me on my ideas, opinions, or abilities I snap into defensive mode because it feels like a personal attack against who I am. It’s basically like someone calling me fake – and with authenticity being my highest value that is MAJORLY offensive. I want to work on being more self confident so that I don’t need so much outside validation, in addition to setting boundaries. I think this will help me be more aware of and change my behaviors when I am not being my authentic self.
Leading to the next topic, I have chosen to comment and engage in discussion with others taking this course. Already I have had a few people respond in ways that just fill me with joy. When people say things like “I feel like that could have been written by ME” or “You found the words I was looking for to describe how I feel” – it is THAT moment that makes me feel alive. It’s that moment that says yes I need to keep this blog – yes I have something to offer, something of value. It means I’ve CONNECTED with someone – a core value. It validates my feelings. It is the “me too” I’ve been yearning for.
And now for a moment of truth. I’m putting some goals out here – a big step in accountability. They may evolve a bit but in my journaling this week I wanted to get specific. This is what I came up with:
- I will zip line to face my fear of heights by August 2016 with people who love and support me to help me complete this.
- I will pick a retreat to go to at the Omega Institute by my birthday 9/20/16 and figure out how to get the money to pay for it.
- I will get a lawyer and financial advisor and set up an LLC by March 2016.
- I will journal about what happens when I have highly emotional arguments and do the intention exercise to learn more about myself and ways to improve.
- I will go to lunch with at least one coworker a month during 2016 so I can get to know them better.
So there they are.
“Today I pray for a miracle. I shall allow it to happen, and not resist it. I am open to a new beginning, a life unlike the past. My relationships shall be made new. My career shall be made new. My body shall be made new, and my mind shall be made new. Not later but now, not elsewhere but here, not through pain but through peace. And so be it.” – Marianne Williamson, A Year of Miracles
• As scary as it is to put my raw and real self out there, good can come from of it. There is something here that’s meant for me.
• People may doubt me, and it may make sense from their perspective, but it does not define me. Only I can do that.
• Awareness happens one day at a time.